this juicy little nugget of pseduo-employment found in my inbox yesterday (the second of such bogus responses to my carefully edited resume and email):
I am Mayowa Williams I am from Germany but resides in the United Kingdom, I have a Son His name is Sean is 13 years old. Whom will be coming for an holiday in the states he's in the high school,will be teaching him so the teaching per hour which should be $40.00/hr(which i have in mind) so get back to me with the total and also i want you to know that my client who is in US will be sending you my salary payment which i want you to know that the rest of the money will be used to get accommodation and any other arrangement for the lesson, so i want you to know that i will be sending you a check for the payment of the tutorial and the payment that you will sent to the Nanny to takecare of him while he's there for the lesson, The nanny will be the one to bring him to you whenever he's suppose to be with you and will also be the one to pick him up after every tutoring.The tutoring can take place at your residence or any nearest library around you. so as soon as you get the check cash you will deduct cost of tutoring of the lesson and send the remaining balance to the Guardian that will be taking care of my son Via western union.
Regarding this, kindly send your full information to receive the check so that payment can be able to made out on-time. So hope i can trust you that you will teach my son good academics and some moral respects so that they can be good to their self in the future, i hope i can count on you for the tutorial and the money to be sent to the Guardian. Thanks and waiting to read from you.Kindly get back to me with your full info so as to issue out the payment as soon as possible. Pls i get back to me asap and i don't want any delay at all.
1.YOUR CHARGE FOR AN HOUR....
2.TOTAL CHARGES FOR 2 WEEKS, 2TIMES A WEEK, AND 2HOURS EACH DAY
3.FULL NAME AND ADDRESS....
4.YOUR PHONE NUMBER...
Williams
Even if I hadn't just gotten a fake check for $3,600.00 in the mail less than a month ago, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be stupid enough to think this was a good idea. You send me a foreign check and then I have to wire money to someone else? Yeeeeahhhh... fat chance chuckleface. It's just pissing me off that these bozos have the verbal skills to write legitimate-sounding posts for teachers on Craigslist, forcing me to waste my time poring over yet another cover letter.
Anyways. Calling on all the birthday karma in the world tomorrow for my interview... I someone managed to buy very professional looking (size 2!) pants at Banana Republic today for $8. Yeah, 8 freakin bucks! The other pair was $45, but hey, I might end up returning them anyways. Besides, it was worth it after I spent an hour this morning trying on and discarding pants that were too big, eventually settling on a pair that were so wide they looked vaguely like pajamas.
Birthday karma + new pants + my naturally enthusiastic and highly intelligent personality MUST = ch ch ch CHANGES!
(Oh, also calling on Bowie power... SO need Bowie power)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Finally: An Interview and a Chance to Be a Stalker
So, I finally have an interview! At this point I've responded to almost 40 job ads, and so far this is what I've gotten:
-One email from someone who wanted me to design stationary to put on her site, commission-based
-Two emails from scam artists claiming to be foreigners whose children need tutoring when they arrive in the US, a deal in which I would be paid by check (yeeeeeah...) but then would have to wire money to the "caregiver" (do they think I am retarded?) note: STOP POSTING LEGITIMATE LOOKING ADS FOR TEACHERS ON CRAIGSLIST, WE MAY BE PATIENT WITH CHILDREN BUT WE ARE CAPABLE OF HURTING SOMEONE AND ARE GETTING REALLY PISSED OFF!
-And finally, a phone call and an interview!
I have visited 4 temp agencies (meeting with one tomorrow) but I don't have high hopes, since I'm pretty sure that half of NYC is also trying to sell themselves to the limited number of agencies, and there are probably at least 1.8 million people who are more qualified than me. Oh, and also I hear no one is hiring temps in this economic fiasco. Wahoo.
But, I have an interview on Friday for a fantastic-sounding (hopefully my ears don't lie this time...) job at a small architecture firm in Soho (getting to work in Manhattan again? glorious!) which entails doing everything I am qualified to do: graphic design, admin, office management. For once, maybe I won't feel underqualified? Now that would be a miracle. Just getting this job would be a miracle, as I talked to my former boss yesterday and he said since things are slowing down at their firm they are switching to a 4 day work week. Not sure what that entails for the employees, but it doesn't sound good. Ouch.
Also, I was able to stalk another potential employer and it may actually have worked in my favor! I went down to the school where I had applied to an Afterschool job by email, and I actually got to talk to the person who heads up the program. Face time is good, but even better is that she seemed very enthused to see me and said, I quote,"I am so glad you came down here, you have just made my job much easier!" after she had told me they got over 200 applicants for two positions and hadn't had time to look over them yet. So, go squeaky wheel! And thanks Dad, for encouraging me to risk being annoying and go get em!
I am mad sick still (mention I think I have the flu?) but mentally I feel better than I have in weeks- there's a (slight) chance I will be able to change jobs, kill the 2 hour commute, and never have to deal with hooligans in Hollis again. Keep your fingers, toes, and any other bendable digits you may have crossed.
-One email from someone who wanted me to design stationary to put on her site, commission-based
-Two emails from scam artists claiming to be foreigners whose children need tutoring when they arrive in the US, a deal in which I would be paid by check (yeeeeeah...) but then would have to wire money to the "caregiver" (do they think I am retarded?) note: STOP POSTING LEGITIMATE LOOKING ADS FOR TEACHERS ON CRAIGSLIST, WE MAY BE PATIENT WITH CHILDREN BUT WE ARE CAPABLE OF HURTING SOMEONE AND ARE GETTING REALLY PISSED OFF!
-And finally, a phone call and an interview!
I have visited 4 temp agencies (meeting with one tomorrow) but I don't have high hopes, since I'm pretty sure that half of NYC is also trying to sell themselves to the limited number of agencies, and there are probably at least 1.8 million people who are more qualified than me. Oh, and also I hear no one is hiring temps in this economic fiasco. Wahoo.
But, I have an interview on Friday for a fantastic-sounding (hopefully my ears don't lie this time...) job at a small architecture firm in Soho (getting to work in Manhattan again? glorious!) which entails doing everything I am qualified to do: graphic design, admin, office management. For once, maybe I won't feel underqualified? Now that would be a miracle. Just getting this job would be a miracle, as I talked to my former boss yesterday and he said since things are slowing down at their firm they are switching to a 4 day work week. Not sure what that entails for the employees, but it doesn't sound good. Ouch.
Also, I was able to stalk another potential employer and it may actually have worked in my favor! I went down to the school where I had applied to an Afterschool job by email, and I actually got to talk to the person who heads up the program. Face time is good, but even better is that she seemed very enthused to see me and said, I quote,"I am so glad you came down here, you have just made my job much easier!" after she had told me they got over 200 applicants for two positions and hadn't had time to look over them yet. So, go squeaky wheel! And thanks Dad, for encouraging me to risk being annoying and go get em!
I am mad sick still (mention I think I have the flu?) but mentally I feel better than I have in weeks- there's a (slight) chance I will be able to change jobs, kill the 2 hour commute, and never have to deal with hooligans in Hollis again. Keep your fingers, toes, and any other bendable digits you may have crossed.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Top 10 Things to Do When You Are Looking for A New Job In a Terrible Economy
10- Sleep
9- Whine
8- Get sick, drink orange juice, repeat steps 9 & 10
7- Watch the Sci-Fi channel and complain about how you could do better graphics in your sleep
6- Wish you were Anthony Bourdain
5-Wish you were Bill Gates (but also hate him because your Microsoft stock is down)
4- Wish you were anyone but yourself
3- Edit your resume for the millionth time (thesaurus.com is fun!)
2- Convince yourself that no one is returning your emails because you are "overqualified"
and the Top Thing to Do When You Are Looking for a New Job in a Terrible Economy iiiiis:
1- Blog so that your unanswered emails & applications, time wasted on Facebook, and entire day spent in your pajamas does not make you feel completely worthless and unproductive.
Now GO!
9- Whine
8- Get sick, drink orange juice, repeat steps 9 & 10
7- Watch the Sci-Fi channel and complain about how you could do better graphics in your sleep
6- Wish you were Anthony Bourdain
5-Wish you were Bill Gates (but also hate him because your Microsoft stock is down)
4- Wish you were anyone but yourself
3- Edit your resume for the millionth time (thesaurus.com is fun!)
2- Convince yourself that no one is returning your emails because you are "overqualified"
and the Top Thing to Do When You Are Looking for a New Job in a Terrible Economy iiiiis:
1- Blog so that your unanswered emails & applications, time wasted on Facebook, and entire day spent in your pajamas does not make you feel completely worthless and unproductive.
Now GO!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Because the Crazy Man Claims I Am Going to Get Beat the Hell Up...
I am quitting my job. Because of many other things in addition to the crazy man, and because I must get the hell out of Hollis before I get beat the hell up in Hollis. I hesitate to go into further details about why I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, DAMMIT!, mainly because I've spent the better part of the past two days (not to mention the past two weeks) complaining bitterly, and also because I'm pretty sure only two or three people might actually read this, and you are precisely the people I've already complained to, ad nauseum.
So, anyhow, this crazy man accosted me at a deserted bus stop in Cambria Heights the other night, first insisting that he was going to hang out with me to protect me, then claiming that thugs were going to beat me up because I'm 17, and then telling me he was in jail, all the while asking me where I was going and why in a really demanding and quite frightening voice, before he finally tried to nonchalantly touch my shoulder and I flailed my arms around a bit and told him to buzz off. So that is another reason I will not be returning to Jamaica, Cambria Heights, or Hollis. I just have to find a way to break the news to the people I work for. Oh, and figure out how to pay my rent.
Which stinks, because sadly, I did not receive any uplifting emails upon disembarking the plane, only a sense of vast relief that I would be returning to my own home, with a bed that does not fold up and a distinct lack of small children. Which, in itself, was pretty happy. But I was disappointed nonetheless, and spent the rest of the evening huddled amongst my sheets, trying to simultaneously stay warm and convince myself that my life was not going to shat.
So, still awaiting any signs that I am a marketable resource, convincing myself that the employers were just biding their time until all responses came in (none quite as fabulous as my own), and craving Orange Mango juice. It is too cold to go outside to the all night grocery and I have been in my pajamas (or some semblance of them) since 5:00.
Tomorrow will be a better day. It is Monday.
So, anyhow, this crazy man accosted me at a deserted bus stop in Cambria Heights the other night, first insisting that he was going to hang out with me to protect me, then claiming that thugs were going to beat me up because I'm 17, and then telling me he was in jail, all the while asking me where I was going and why in a really demanding and quite frightening voice, before he finally tried to nonchalantly touch my shoulder and I flailed my arms around a bit and told him to buzz off. So that is another reason I will not be returning to Jamaica, Cambria Heights, or Hollis. I just have to find a way to break the news to the people I work for. Oh, and figure out how to pay my rent.
Which stinks, because sadly, I did not receive any uplifting emails upon disembarking the plane, only a sense of vast relief that I would be returning to my own home, with a bed that does not fold up and a distinct lack of small children. Which, in itself, was pretty happy. But I was disappointed nonetheless, and spent the rest of the evening huddled amongst my sheets, trying to simultaneously stay warm and convince myself that my life was not going to shat.
So, still awaiting any signs that I am a marketable resource, convincing myself that the employers were just biding their time until all responses came in (none quite as fabulous as my own), and craving Orange Mango juice. It is too cold to go outside to the all night grocery and I have been in my pajamas (or some semblance of them) since 5:00.
Tomorrow will be a better day. It is Monday.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
33 Jobs in Two Weeks
I have applied for 33 jobs in the past two weeks. Actually, it's probably more like 36 or 37 because that's not including the jobs I applied to through other websites, only things or people I directly emailed, which I just counted in my Sent Mail folder. God bless gmail and it's infinite storage capabilities.
So I'd like to say, heyyyy let's sit back and watch the responses roll in! Sadly, I've gotten, like, two responses, neither which involves consistent work or specific money. Which means, when I fly back to New York tomorrow night, I must mentally prepare myself for Friday's 3+ hour commute and Saturday's 6 am wakeup call (with the 3+ hour commute). Barf.
I've applied to be a graphic designer (which I actually am), a nanny (which I actually was), an administrative assistant (again, I was), a photographer's assistant (haven't been that yet, but hey, I am a photographer), a personal assistant (pretty sure I can handle that), a temp (been there too), and a bartender (strangely, the hardest position to obtain. what?). So here's the plan: I'm going to be in transit, away from the internet, for like, 7 or 8 hours tomorrow, when all's said and done (which is probably the longest I've been away from internet ever, except for various flights to various places). I'm going to tell myself that during those 7 or 8 hours, a large percentage of those 33-37 people/companies I've emailed are going to send me back something along these lines:
"WOW! You seem like a perfect fit for our position as a graphic designer/nanny/assistant/temp/bartender. We LOVE your portfolio. Your resume is genius. We want you to come in for an interview asap. In fact, forget the interview. We want to hire you! When can you start? How much do we need to pay you? Be employed by us, three whole, amazing days a week (enough for you to pay your bills AND have time to freelance/screenprint/watch HBO in your underwear). You can wear all those cute professional clothes that have been languishing in your closet for the past two years, and there are free bagels on Fridays, and best of all- we have one of those really cool coffee machines where you can choose whatever flavor you like from all those tiny coffee packets and make a different flavor in every cup!"
And then I will say something chilly like this:
"Thank you for your kind response. This looks like a very interesting opportunity. Since you are willing to pay me a large amount of money per hour of my valuable time, I look forward to making your website beautiful and drinking your coffee that comes out of tiny individual packets. I will see you on Monday. I mean Tuesday. I don't work Mondays." And then I will do a very enthusiastic, very ridiculous victory dance.
And then, I will go to work next Tuesday, a new woman with a new, 30-minute commute.
So I'd like to say, heyyyy let's sit back and watch the responses roll in! Sadly, I've gotten, like, two responses, neither which involves consistent work or specific money. Which means, when I fly back to New York tomorrow night, I must mentally prepare myself for Friday's 3+ hour commute and Saturday's 6 am wakeup call (with the 3+ hour commute). Barf.
I've applied to be a graphic designer (which I actually am), a nanny (which I actually was), an administrative assistant (again, I was), a photographer's assistant (haven't been that yet, but hey, I am a photographer), a personal assistant (pretty sure I can handle that), a temp (been there too), and a bartender (strangely, the hardest position to obtain. what?). So here's the plan: I'm going to be in transit, away from the internet, for like, 7 or 8 hours tomorrow, when all's said and done (which is probably the longest I've been away from internet ever, except for various flights to various places). I'm going to tell myself that during those 7 or 8 hours, a large percentage of those 33-37 people/companies I've emailed are going to send me back something along these lines:
"WOW! You seem like a perfect fit for our position as a graphic designer/nanny/assistant/temp/bartender. We LOVE your portfolio. Your resume is genius. We want you to come in for an interview asap. In fact, forget the interview. We want to hire you! When can you start? How much do we need to pay you? Be employed by us, three whole, amazing days a week (enough for you to pay your bills AND have time to freelance/screenprint/watch HBO in your underwear). You can wear all those cute professional clothes that have been languishing in your closet for the past two years, and there are free bagels on Fridays, and best of all- we have one of those really cool coffee machines where you can choose whatever flavor you like from all those tiny coffee packets and make a different flavor in every cup!"
And then I will say something chilly like this:
"Thank you for your kind response. This looks like a very interesting opportunity. Since you are willing to pay me a large amount of money per hour of my valuable time, I look forward to making your website beautiful and drinking your coffee that comes out of tiny individual packets. I will see you on Monday. I mean Tuesday. I don't work Mondays." And then I will do a very enthusiastic, very ridiculous victory dance.
And then, I will go to work next Tuesday, a new woman with a new, 30-minute commute.
Monday, January 19, 2009
At a Loss for a Good Schmooze
So I'm a the Sundance Film Festival, tagging along with my producer aunt & uncle for the third year, and instead of pounding Stella Artois like I usually do I'm Googling resort jobs. And then getting distracted by the "work at home" ads I keep coming across. I've always been told that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And the halfways-intelligent side of me knows this to be true. But then I keep wondering... does that make me a sucker? I don't know. Right now the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm wasting my youth on the internet. I mean, who flies across the country to a ski resort in Park City Utah and spends the entire time online searching for jobs?
What I should really be doing is what everyone else is: schmoozing. I need to schmooze. I need to schmooze the hell out of this exclusive festival and it's celebrity entourage. Only problem is, I have nothing to schmooze about. One can't schmooze without purpose. One must know one's goal in schmoozing; one must have at least a modicum of content to schmooze about. One must stop using certain words relentlessly (schmooze) simply because one thinks they are hilarious.
Conclusion? I am useless here. I have not ever made, nor probably will I ever make a film or be in any type of production greater than the motionless cameo I made in that Poison music video two summers ago. I should hit the Stella tent asap. Again, Craigslist is a wasteland and I know 10 years from now I'm going to regret being married to my computer during my most attractive years.
Eating more popcorn, mulling over the meaning of the John Krasinski film I saw this afternoon, and hoping for inspirational dreams.
What I should really be doing is what everyone else is: schmoozing. I need to schmooze. I need to schmooze the hell out of this exclusive festival and it's celebrity entourage. Only problem is, I have nothing to schmooze about. One can't schmooze without purpose. One must know one's goal in schmoozing; one must have at least a modicum of content to schmooze about. One must stop using certain words relentlessly (schmooze) simply because one thinks they are hilarious.
Conclusion? I am useless here. I have not ever made, nor probably will I ever make a film or be in any type of production greater than the motionless cameo I made in that Poison music video two summers ago. I should hit the Stella tent asap. Again, Craigslist is a wasteland and I know 10 years from now I'm going to regret being married to my computer during my most attractive years.
Eating more popcorn, mulling over the meaning of the John Krasinski film I saw this afternoon, and hoping for inspirational dreams.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Welcome to my Quarter Life Crisis... Again
I have been a graphic designer, a receptionist, an administrative assistant, a nanny, a Production Coordinator (whatever the hell that means), a waitress, a hostess, and a milkshake-maker (and yes, my milkshake DID bring all the boys to the yard). I have worked in retail, in food service, in marketing, and in education. I have sold shoes, burgers, and my own plasma. Probably my favorite job was driving the beverage cart on a golf course in North Carolina. And now, as seems to be the trend since graduating college and moving to New York City almost four years ago, I am again trying to find gainful employment that doesn't make me want to strangle myself after a few months.
I have been freelancing as a graphic designer for two years now, ever since quitting the soul-sucking corporate job that paid me much more than I was worth- and if I could do this all the time, hell I sure would. But there's only so much work one can acquire without leaving the house, so I'm also commuting over three hours A DAY to teach afterschool programs in the far reaches of Queens. The annoyance and stress of which has slowly made the affliction I refer to as my "existential dilemma" creep back, like a bad skin rash you just can't seem to get rid of. Not that I have such a skin rash. Or ever had such a skin rash. You know. An example. Or, like, poison ivy that follows you around. Whatever.
I have already faced many of such dilemmas in recent years; the biggest culminating in my decision to leave corporate America after less than two years of cube-rat status and become a nanny. Which turned out to be a pretty great gig. So don't ask me why I quit that a year later... something about health insurance being a bitch and my career going nowhere? Anyhow. Here I am, a year later, and not so much wiser. On the contrary, when I left the nanny world I thought I had some things figured out:
1- I love the freedom of freelancing
2- There are certain employment agencies devoted to finding short term jobs for graphic design freelancers
3- Said agencies were supposedly going to give me lots of work
Numero uno is still true (god bless Mom, she thinks I should return to the aforementioned cube-rat status) but sadly, while I'm still unclear on the validity of number two, number three turned out to be a BIG FAT LIE.
So here I stand (sit). Desperately scanning Craigslist, day in and day out. It is a vast wasteland of unpaid internships and potential money-laundering scams (more about that later).
HOLY HELL, WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?
Stay tuned to find out if I ever find out.
I have been freelancing as a graphic designer for two years now, ever since quitting the soul-sucking corporate job that paid me much more than I was worth- and if I could do this all the time, hell I sure would. But there's only so much work one can acquire without leaving the house, so I'm also commuting over three hours A DAY to teach afterschool programs in the far reaches of Queens. The annoyance and stress of which has slowly made the affliction I refer to as my "existential dilemma" creep back, like a bad skin rash you just can't seem to get rid of. Not that I have such a skin rash. Or ever had such a skin rash. You know. An example. Or, like, poison ivy that follows you around. Whatever.
I have already faced many of such dilemmas in recent years; the biggest culminating in my decision to leave corporate America after less than two years of cube-rat status and become a nanny. Which turned out to be a pretty great gig. So don't ask me why I quit that a year later... something about health insurance being a bitch and my career going nowhere? Anyhow. Here I am, a year later, and not so much wiser. On the contrary, when I left the nanny world I thought I had some things figured out:
1- I love the freedom of freelancing
2- There are certain employment agencies devoted to finding short term jobs for graphic design freelancers
3- Said agencies were supposedly going to give me lots of work
Numero uno is still true (god bless Mom, she thinks I should return to the aforementioned cube-rat status) but sadly, while I'm still unclear on the validity of number two, number three turned out to be a BIG FAT LIE.
So here I stand (sit). Desperately scanning Craigslist, day in and day out. It is a vast wasteland of unpaid internships and potential money-laundering scams (more about that later).
HOLY HELL, WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?
Stay tuned to find out if I ever find out.
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