So, what the hell?

Yesterday I saw a big macho looking man crying on the subway. He seemed to also be halfheartedly mouthing the words to whatever was being piped through his headphones. He was wearing a leather jacket and I thought maybe he was Irish- he was cool in that way that Bono would be if he were a little taller and not so full of himself. If he had been italian looking and wearing gold chains and had gel in his hair I would probably think it was funny. But it wasn't funny, it was quiet and sad and it made me sad. And it made me think of all the people I've seen cry on the subway, and all the people that must cry on the subway, and all the times I've cried on the subway because I was either drunk or just couldn't take it anymore, or both. And I kept wondering what he was crying about: a woman, his mother's sickness, his life? A job lost? A love lost? A dream lost? And something in me wanted to know- to know what allows a grown man to sit, red-eyed and purse-lipped, among a bunch of strangers, and not care who's staring? And also I wanted to say that it's ok, I know it sucks to be this miserable in public, it happens to me all the time. Probably this is some sad sort of scheidenfrued, because I felt a little less bad about all the things that make me want to cry.

When did I become miserable? On a 60 degree day, no less? Maybe not so much miserable, as generally dissatisfied with my life. Thinking about almost anything for more than 3 minutes fills me with a sense of dread lately, and I'm not sure why. I'm antsy and I think about moving somewhere warmer and less expensive and that fills me with dread too, because I can't imagine living anywhere but here, even though here (New York City) is different and and sadder and emptier than it was before. I feel the need to "put things in order" ALL THE TIME even though I haven't the slightest clue what things need to be put in order, or how to go about doing this.

I'm hoping to chalk this all up to the bitter winter that is hopefully almost over, because it's been a particularly crap winter this year. So far 2009 has kind of been particularly crap. But when I have a brief moment of clarity, a fleeting moment in which my brain works logically, I know that there is nothing miserable about my life; on the contrary, I have all the things I've ever needed and most of what I ever wanted. I am a happy person. I was meant to be a happy person. So, what the hell?

Any ideas on how to make my brain work in a logical fashion more often are gladly welcomed.